Plane Silly

On dating a flight attendant

A different perspective…what it’s like to be the guy who is dating a flight attendant.

ALL red-blooded American men dreamed for years of dating a flight attendant. My turn finally came and I was in awe. I then was rather surprised that the glamorous life we were led to believe didn’t really exist. I found flight attendants have one of the toughest lives out there, and to this day I don’t understand how they endure it. My suspicions are…those who can’t take it drop out in the first year, leaving those who can.

I had absolutely no idea that flight attendants (god forbid one slip and say stewardess) didn’t merely go to the airport in time for a morning flight, fly during the day, only to return and sleep in their own bed each night. I was introduced to the world of “trips,” “bidding,” and “seniority.” Since Delta hadn’t hired in many years, my partic
ular flight attendant with many years seniority was still at the bottom of the list, meaning her four day trips frequently consisted of frequent short hops.

I was horrified…and mystified…that essentially flight attendants get paid door closing to door opening. ALL that work-heavy time boarding….is their “contribution to the airline.” All the time waiting with the door open for a mechanical delay is on them. All the time waiting for the last granny to deplane and wait for a missing wheelchair…again on them.

They report two HOURS before a flight….out of the “goodness of their heart.” I was even surprised they weren’t paid on layovers. My strongest belief is that flight attendants should be paid from the second they check in on the first day of their flight until the second they check out on the last day of their flight…even if this means the semi-artificial high flying time pay is reduced. I AM aware that those with seniority would take advantage of this and suddenly WANT the short hops, leaving those with less seniority with the longer flights, but even still…I feel that since they are on company time and rules even when on a lay-over…they should be paid.

It’s not as easy as a flight attendant may feel on their companion. They are gone for four days, on a average, for a trip. The night before a trip, gosh forbid their partner turn on the TV…they need their rest….and forget romance
that night either. The night they return, they have a desperate need to get rid of the frozen smile on their face, and have zero desire to talk…they HAVE been talking for four days. The first night home, their companion is to have wine, dinner, a hot bath ready and to ready mute, but at their beck and call. Now six out of seven days have been used. The day after a trip, their companion better be darn ready to go out on the town…it’s their night to party, shop, enjoy the town.

I was extremely surprised to find out a flight attendant wasn’t ecstatic to hear from their loved one at length during a lay-over. I THOUGHT, how nice, they’re alone in a room in a hotel, so they would appreciate a long phone call for companionship. Instead they are working at removing the fixed smile, have been talking all day, can’t really have a drink to relax, and basically want to be alone, probably catching a sports event on TV. I was even surprised that sports was big in their lives until it dawned on me….they can’t really get into a TV series, as they will miss so many episodes, so they learn to watch something that is a one-time event.

So, their life is tough, and their companion has to be totally understanding. I was absolutely unable to understand when economic times got tough, that somehow the airlines felt the flight attendants must be the source of their economic difficulties, so removed crew meals. Let me get this straight…away from home, so no access to your own fridge….so you have to BUY a ridiculously-priced airport sandwich? Let me get this straight, no crew meal, so you have to serve meals to all the passengers, but not get to have one yourself? At Least the CEO’s did away with their own corporate dining rooms. (AS IF.)

Then some bright guy figured out….hey, they have nothing to do after passengers deplane, let’s have the FLIGHT ATTENDANTS clean the plane! Ignore the fact that they are getting paid at that point and essentially every flight attendant I’ve ever met has chronic back and knee problems.

Still, I just can’t help it. I still adore flight attendants. I still am in little boy awe of these goddesses of the sky. I think their absolutely PERFECT grooming and make-up is so appealing. (I’m aware that that perfect grooming comes at a price of yet ANOTHER hour of their own time in their room preparing for the flight…but wow, the results!)

I found it funny how basically EVERY flight attendant will name the SAME city-city flight as the horror flight, the OMG NO I have to fly from this one city to THAT one city? MOST of the flight attendants also have the same celebrity they chose for horror stories. I was sad, that even though International flights have the best pay, the best time spent for hours paid, that it wounds flight attendants with the time changes and hours, so they get burned out.

Congratulations, and keep up the good work.

Lewis (last name withheld)

I have noticed a common trend of passengers on flights showing up with $100 bills to purchase a $1 headset or a $5 drink. They have the mistaken impression that if the airlines cannot make change, they should get the item for FREE! A few of my friends and I have taken it upon ourselves to make sure we always have change for $100 on board, especially in ones. It feels really good to stand there and count out $95 in ones to some mooch with a hundred for a $5 drink. Their embarrassment amid the stares from  other passengers will surely cure them of this little trick. Remember, our announcement states, “Correct change is always appreciated.”

Name and airline withheld

Letter of Apology to the Flying Public

This was  received  from a Los Angeles F/A. If you are a f/a, you’ll appreciate this. If you’re not, maybe you’ll see the other side. Regardless of where you sit on an aircraft…be it a jumpseat or a passenger seat, it is extremely well written.
 
To the Flying Public: We’re sorry
We’re sorry we have no pillows.
We’re sorry we’re out of blankets.
We’re sorry the airplane is too cold.
We’re sorry the airplane is too hot.
We’re sorry the overhead bins are full.
We’re sorry we have no closet space for your oversized bag.
We’re sorry that’s not the seat you wanted.
We’re=2 0sorry there’s a restless toddler/overweight/offensive smelling passenger seated next to you.
We’re sorry the plane is full and there are no other seats available.
We’re sorry you didn’t get your upgrade.
We’re sorry that guy makes you uncomfortable because he “looks like a terrorist”.
We’re sorry there’s a thunderstorm and we can’t take off.
We’re sorry we don’t know when it will stop.
We’re sorry you’re crammed into a space so small that if you were an animal PETA would protest.
We’re sorry a Super 80 has no music or video entertainment for your 3 hour flight.
We’re sorry we ran out of your favorite soda.
We’re sorry there are no more sandwiches.
We’re sorry that Budweiser costs $6.
We’re sorry we don’t have diapers for your baby.
We’re sorry we don’t have milk for same baby.
We’re sorry you can’t hang out by the cockpit door waiting to use the bathroom.
We’re sorry you can’t hang out at the back of the airplane.
We’re sorry you have to sit down and fasten your seatbelt.
We’re sorry you have to put your seat up for landing.
We’re sorry we don’t know when we’re going to land.
We’re sorry we don’t know whether your plane to (substitute any city in the world) will be waiting for you when we land.
We’re sorry we’ve been diverted because we ran out of gas waiting to land.
We’re sorry for these and so many other things that we have absolutely no control over but which we are held acc ountable for EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Please understand. Flight attendants are not the enemy. We share your space. More than anyone - we want to have a nice, pleasant travel experience.

There is a reason behind everything we ask you to do. It may be a FAA directive. It may be security related. It may be a company procedure.

We don’t just make stuff up. We don’t spend 8 weeks at the flight academy learning how to pour a Coke. There are many things that flight attendants are watching for constantly on every flight FOR YOUR SAFETY.
It’s not because we’re bored or so controlling that we just enjoy telling people what to do. I, for one, would like to have one flight where I didn’t have to repeatedly tell people to put their seats up for landing. Seriously.
Can’t you just do what we ask sometimes? Without the glares, eye rolling and disdain? For the record - putting your seat up for landing may not seem that important to your personal safety. However, it is very important for the person sitting BEHIND YOU. If you have ever tried to get out of a row where someone has their seat back you know it can be a challenge. Try grabbing your ankles (emergency brace position) or getting out of that row quickly with smoke in the cabin.

Understand a little better now?

Many of the things we ask passengers to comply with are FAA directives. Like carry-on bag stowage and exit row requirements. Wh en we can serve drinks (in the air) and when we can’t (after the aircraft door is closed or on an active taxi-way). We are only allowed to move about the cabin during taxi out for safety related duties. We can’t get you blankets, or hang coats, or get you drinks. It’s not because we don’t want to. It’s because we are held personally responsible if we fail to comply with FAA directives.
Meaning that the FAA can fine us personally up to $10,000 if we fail to comply or enforce an FAA Directive.
 
Like no bags at the bulkhead. No children in the exit row. No one moving around the cabin during taxi.
Perhaps now you know why flight attendants get a little testy when people move about the cabin when they’re not supposed to. It’s not the company that gets in trouble for that. It’s us.

Personally, I wish the airlines would show worst case scenario safety videos. Like what happens if you walk through the cabin during turbulence. There could be a guy who has just fallen and smacked his face on the metal armrest and now has a bloody, gushing broken nose. Or an elderly lady who now has a broken arm because someone walking to the bathroom fell on her.

Maybe a passenger with a broken neck because somebody opened an overhead bin during turbulence and a suitcase fell out and onto the person sitting beneath it. These things can easily happen in a fast moving, unstable air environment.
=0 A

Please just trust that we are looking out for your best interest and stop fighting with us about everything we ask you to do. It is exhausting.

Finally, please, please direct your hostility and frustrations in the direction where they will be most effective: The customer service department. They are the ones equipped to handle your complaint and implement procedures for CHANGE.

Think about it. Complaining to the flight crew about all your negative travel experiences is about the same as complaining to the office janitor because your computer isn’t working. It may make you feel better to vent about it - but it really won’t fix anything. More than anybody we are already aware of the lack of amenities, food, service and comfort on the aircraft. Please share your concerns with the people in the cubicles at corporate who need that information to make better decisions for the flying public.

It’s frustrating that so many people are in denial about what the travel industry is about now. The glory days of pillows, blankets, magazines and a hot meal for everyone are long gone. Our job is to get you from point A to point B safely and at the cheapest possible cost to you and the company. So be prepared. If you are hungry - get a sandwich before you get on the plane.

If it’s a 3 hour flight, anticipate that you may get hungry and bring some snacks. If you are cold natured - bring a wrap. Think for yourself and think ahead. Otherwise, don’t complain when you have to pay $3 for a cookie and are left with a crusty blanket to keep you warm.

We hear often that the service just isn’t what is used to be. Well, the SERVICE we provide now isn’t what it used to be. When I was hired, my job was to serve drinks, meals, ensure that safety requirements were met and tend to in-flight medical issues.

Since 9/11 my primary job is to ensure that my airplane will not be compromised by a terrorist.
9/11 may be a distant memory now to many, but be assured that EVERY DAY a flight attendant reports to work he or she is constantly thinking about 9/11. We feel a personal responsibility to ensure that something like that never happens again. We can never relax. We can never not be suspicious about someone’s intentions.

It is difficult to be vigilant and gregarious at the same time. Especially when most of us are working 12 hour days after layovers that only allow 5-6 hours of sleep. Not because we were out partying and having a grand time on the layover - but because the delays that you experience as a passenger also affect us as a crew, so that what was a 10 hour layover is now 8 hours which doesn’t leave a lot of time to recover from what has become an increasingly stressful occupation.

Despite everything, I still enjoy being a flight attendant.

I am writing this lette r because I do still care about my profession and about the public perception of flight attendants. In the increasingly challenging travel world it is becoming more imperative than ever for people to just be decent to each other. I can go through an entire day without one person saying anything remotely civil. I will stand at the aircraft door and say hello to everyone who enters and maybe 50% will even look at me and even less will say hello back.

I will try to serve someone a meal who can’t be bothered to take their headsets off long enough for me to ask them what they want. Most of the time the only conversation a passenger has with me is when they are complaining.

Is it any wonder why flight attendants have shut down a bit? After suffering the disdain of hundreds of passengers a day it’s difficult sometimes to even smile, much less interact. We are human. We appreciate the same respect and courtesy that passengers do.

The next time you fly, try treating the flight attendants the way you would like to be treated. You may be surprised how friendly your flight crew is when they are treated like people.

author unknown

Especially since 9-11-01, I like to have fun at work as a Flight Attendant.

 I carry a “bag of tricks” with me to play jokes on unsuspecting pilots.

My pride and joy is my remote control fart machine.  On one flight, I hid it in the cockpit behind the Captain’s seat.  I gave the remote control to the first class FA and asked her to push the button occasionally during flight.

At the end of the flight, the passengers deplaned and the crew made their way off the plane too.  I stopped by the pit to retrieve my prized possession, and joined the rest of the crew at the arrival gate.  Nothing was said.  So I asked the pilots something I have never asked before.  “Did you guys have a nice flight?”  They looked puzzled and said that yes, it was uneventful, and they appreciated the leftover food we had sent up.  GEEZ!  I had to dig deeper.  “I could have sworn I heard a lot of noise coming from the pit.”  At this point, they turned and looked at each other and started laughing.  They had both heard it, but they didn’t want to embarrass the other guy, so they pretended they didn’t hear a thing!

annonymous

As the plane was taxiing, the pilot had a cargo hatch indicator light flash, so he pulled over on the tarmac and asked for a mechanic to check things out. A very important acting First Class passenger got upset. He got up from his seat and told the FA working his area to return the plane at once to the jetway so he could catch another plane or for the pilot to take off immediately. He stated he had with him a multi million dollar, very important contract that had to arrive on time. He also stated that it was the only copy in existance. (Aren’t VIP contacts only made in one copy, to save paper, I guess)

The FA went up to the cabin to report the passenger’s conduct to the Pilot. She mentioned that the passenger had made his DEMANDS. (A good thing to do on a plane}

As the FA was talking to the pilot, another FA had to stop the passenger from opening the exit door and trying to leave. The slides were armed and the mechanics below working on the cargo door were in danger if the slide deployed.

At this pont, the pilot decided to immediatelty go back to the jetway. The passenger was very smug and acting like he got his way, up until he left the plane and was slapped with cuffs by airport police.

After Mr. I’m So Important left the plane and the cargo door indictator was fixed, the flight resumed and the First Class FA was taking up trash after the meal service. The person seated next to the VIP motioned to the FA and pointed out that Mr. VIP had in his hurry, left behind the all important contract. It was stuck in the seatback pocket in front of his seat. The neighbor stated, “Wouldn’t it be a shame if the contact happened to get thrown away?” The FA stated she could never do that, but the neighbor stated, “I can”, and placed the contract in the trash along with his old newspaper…

Name withheld

 A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a ’sniffing dog’. “His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”
   The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.”
He told Sniffer to “search”. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the  agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

   “Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.
   Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

   “I like it!” said his seat mate.
  The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

   The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent “What’s going on?”

   The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb.”

Author unknown

A pilot friend of mine that likes to greet the customers relayed this story. One flight, he noticed a family boarding with 3 children and a baby. Just before take off, the lead flight attendant come to him and said that while doing the final seat check, she could not locate the baby that boarded. After a complete search of the plane and lavs, she finally asked the mother where the baby was. The mother stood and opened the door to show her baby sleeping in the overhead.

Editor

While working the beverage cart with my friend Joe, who happens to be gay, the cart started shimmying off to one side.  In my frustration, I said “Joe! Go STRAIGHT!”  Without missing a beat, he replied, “KAY! GO GAY!”
Kay T., CAL IAH

During an especially long taxi during weather delays, I was doing a “cabin check” to make sure everyone was doing okay.  An elderly man motioned to me.  “Sir, can I help you?”  He replied “Yes! Please tell the Captain that if we don’t take off soon, we will have to return to the terminal.  I’m sure we must almost be out of fresh air!”   With a little bit of a grin on my face, I went up to the cockpit.  The Captain, a fellow smartass, listened to the message I was relaying.  He said “Please tell the gentleman he can relax.  I had the ramp crew put on extra tanks of fresh air.”
Kay, CAL IAH